Who do you see in the mirror?
Who was this woman standing before her in the long mirror? Her gaze fell on every part of her body. She sighed deeply, her breath stopping her tears from leaving her eyes and rolling down her cheeks. She was exhausted from wishing and hoping that this image in front of her would one day reflect who she felt she was inside. Her inside and outside had rarely matched – even the glimpses were fleeting and illusive.
She’d been here before. She could recall in detail the exact moment she pulled on her size 10 jeans and stood staring at her reflection. She was 19. She looked herself up and down, stood sideways to see if her tummy stuck out. Sighing, the tears flowed easily down her cheeks – she was still fat. No amount of starving or purging overeaten food made her belly flat or got rid of the devil that inhabited her, making her inhale food she didn’t need or even like. Perhaps she could lose more weight with a little extra effort.
And then there was the moment she stepped on the scale at Weight Watchers at 57 years old. A resounding “yes!” could be heard throughout the meeting room as the scale read 145 lbs. The triumph was bittersweet – goal weight was really 140 but her body refused to go any lower than 145. Her doctor gave her a note to say she was at her best weight so today she’d take the win and put aside her disappointment.
Today she’d celebrate despite the years of restriction and calorie deficits that left her feeling weak and desperate for carbs.
Today she’d celebrate her tenacity to bounce back after bingeing would have her on her knees holding her belly, praying she’d be able to stop.
Today she’d celebrate forcing her body to conform.
Today the mirror was kinder and the woman staring back at her was at least passable.
When she decided to apply as a WW’s leader, she was told she was amazing and had more than enough experience and qualifications to work with their members. She left her interview with excitement and confidence. She had a lot to offer, and they were lucky to have her!
And, then it happened! The phone call from a higher up who said she’d have to lose more weight, and get to 140 lbs before the leader training in June – she’d have plenty of time within 6 weeks to drop 5 more lbs. If she couldn’t manage it, couldn’t reach the top of the range, there was no hope for her.
In that moment, she was transported back to the phone call when she was 8 – she was no longer welcome to ballet classes as she was too heavy, her body not the ballerina type. She needed to lose weight to fit in.
The irony of that morning was that it was April Fools Day – the joke was on her thinking she’d be accepted amidst peers who were thin and looked the part in tutus. Her chubby body would only reflect badly on the instructor allowing her to dance and appear on stage, the only elephant amidst light and agile Gisels. The instructor shared how devastating it would be for her when she was the only one who was too heavy to be lifted.
Angry and defiant, she told the WW’s Manager how demoralizing it felt to be rejected because of 5 lbs, to be here again– still – so many years later feeling shame and pressure to become someone she couldn’t be, especially by the company and people who were supposed to be on her side.
Her triumph on that day shattered.
These are my stories.
I share them with you, not so you can feel sorry that my heart broke each time my body didn’t measure up, but to let you know that we can live to tell the tale and thrive despite the poison we’ve ingested living through decades of diet culture.
As I learn to grow and thrive into the final stage of my life as the crone and W.I.S.E.R. Woman I want to be and envision, it’s no surprise to me that women like myself, between 50-70+ years are once again or maybe for the first time, struggling with changing bodies, eating emotionally, and reconciling the inside and outside aspects of our lives and with it our identities in a youth-oriented culture.
We want to be at peace within our bodies, stop the war with food, live life more fully and from a place of self-love, where we’re learning and growing, and caring for our minds, bodies, and souls with the same passion we’ve given others as we’ve loved and cared for them.
I’d love to hear your stories of surviving and thriving through diet culture and where you are now! How have you triumphed and fought your way to the other side where your body and food are easy, peaceful, and calm? How are you feeling about ageing and what are you celebrating?
Or, is diet mentality still lurking in your mind, scolding you for eating a slice of bread or not stopping at one bite of birthday cake? Is ageing poking you to feel shame and disconnected from your body, mind and soul? Are you unsure of next steps as you look around you and wonder what the next and final chapter of your life will be?
I’d love you to join in, connect with me and together we’ll explore all there is in this exciting time of our lives. Reply to this email or send me a note by clicking “Connect” on my website.
With gratitude,
Joan
