Who was this woman standing before her in the long mirror? Her gaze fell on every part of her body. She sighed deeply, her breath stopping her tears from leaving her eyes and rolling down her cheeks. She was exhausted from wishing and hoping that this image in front of her would one day reflect who she felt she was inside. Her inside and outside had rarely matched – even the glimpses were fleeting and illusive.

She closed the car door quietly, steeling herself to focus on the next thing on her long list of “to-do’s. A sigh stopped her - it was one of those sighs that meant more than just needing to exhale.

I’ve written so much over the years about my struggle with weight, weight loss and how I’ve felt about my body. I’ve shared with you how I’ve stumbled and fallen, picked myself up, and then stumbled again, over, and over. It’s not been easy, this journey to self-love and being able to care for oneself in the way I have always wanted to. The journey’s felt never-ending, fraught with contradictory traps set by both the diet industry/culture and the anti-diet movement. It’s often felt confusing and, if I’m honest, soul destroying.

“Allow”, she said softly as I closed my eyes and took three deep breaths.

What would I find deep below where ghosts rest their weary souls?

Could I risk going into the depths of my mind, not knowing what would emerge?

Body of Mine

I’ve treated you with such disdain and little regard

And yet, here you are, still with me.

I took my pain out on you – what else was I to do?

I didn’t know how to care for you.

Wasn’t this the year you were going to lose weight once and for all?

And here you are, struggling with the same old broken promises and challenges with food you’ve had for years – sometimes decades. Diets didn’t last long no matter how much you willed your way to staying on track. Like two children fighting, the “good” part of you lost against the sword wielding “bad” part that seems to get the better of you every time.

As I walk through my neighborhood these days, I’m in awe of how nature seamlessly transitions from Fall into Winter. Whipping around me as I shuffle through fallen leaves of the most amazing colours, the wind and rain have announced their arrival in full force. The trees are almost bare, and winter has all but settled in. As the days fall short, darkness envelopes us! We have been put on notice that change is in the air.

I’ve been lingering in the moment a lot more lately since writing about uncertainty and feeling overwhelmed. I shared HERE how uncertainty came knocking on my door and, like an unwanted guest, had no intention of leaving any time soon.

As a child, I loved sitting with my Dad in the evenings. It was a special time we shared, just the two of us. A sweet tooth found him enjoying a cookie or two or a bar of chocolate each night and as we sat side by side, he always shared.

“Within the last months (and realistically maybe the last year), I’ve reluctantly attempted to make peace with uncertainty. It’s not my first rodeo living with this sense of not knowing but recent events threw my life into turmoil, and something had to be done.”

As a coach who helps women create a peaceful relationship with food and their bodies, I’m so glad I invested in becoming that woman myself.

It all begins with an idea.

Someone asked me the other day how you know if you’re an emotional eater? What a great question!

I’ve been spending time with my inner child lately.

In my previous post, “Why It’s Important to Heal Your Relationship with Food.”, I shared with you the journey I began in July by seeking help from a Nutritionist.